Crazy Colonel Campbell Codec Calls
by Scarbie
Summary: Chapter 1: Learn about the Colonel's phobia. Chapter 2: Raiden gets a hernia and the Colonel gets on his case. Chapter 3: The Colonel orders a pizza and somebody has to cover the bill. Learn about the Colonel's favorite pizza topping.
1. Crazy Colonel Campbell Codec Calls

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters found in this story. Oh and the shadow phobia came from the Jerky Boys, I just thought it was fitting in this little scenario.  
  
[wHat ThE HELL iS THis] = distorted speech   
  
Crazy Colonel Campbell Codec Calls  
  
  
Some of the comments that the Colonel made were so offensive and disturbing that they either had to be edited or omitted entirely from the American release of MGS2. A certain fanfic writer was brave enough to dig through the garbage cans of Konami Computer Entertainment America and found some of these censored codec calls. Before she was arrested, she was able to smuggle them in her stomach like a certain mulleted badass. I was given this information in a email she sent from a mental institution. If you continue reading, it is possible your brain will become more twisted than it already is. You have been warned. Godspeed.  
  
Codec Call 1  
Colonel: Actually I'm in bad shape financially. I spend all my money on porn. That's why my wife left me. I just had no choice but to make you pay my car note last month. Oh, and my mortgage too. And my ISP bill. Wow, I'm really sorry.  
Raiden: What the hell are you talking about!  
  
Codec Call 2  
Colonel: RaiDEN, if Columbia House Music Club contacts you, asking of my whereabouts, tell them I moved out of the country. No, tell them I died.  
  
Codec Call 3  
Colonel: Raiden, I HAVE a song just for yOu. WOulD you LIKE to HeAR it?  
Raiden: What!?!  
Colonel: Me is so horNY, me is so horNY, me is so horNY. ME love you long time.  
*Raiden looks aghast and clicks off codec*  
  
Codec Call 4  
Colonel: Raiden, I HAve someTHING imporTANT to TELL you?  
Raiden: What's going on, Colonel?  
Colonel: That wig, YOU're not fooling anyONE SON. I've SEEN better wigs at Toys 'R Us in the clearANCE bin after HALLoWEEN.  
Raiden (reaches up to touch his hair. He is enraged.): THIS IS MY REAL HAIR DAMNIT!!! Let's see YOUR HAIR!! You're always wearing that dumbass HAT!  
*Raiden clicks off codec*  
  
Codec Call 5  
Colonel: RAIden... remember when I was tellING you aBOUT last THURsday?   
Raiden (rolling his eyes): Yeah, when you got picked up by the UFOs.  
Colonel: Exactly!! When I woke up, like I said I was at home. For the most part I was just a little disoriented, but then I noticed my butt felt so strange. I won't go into full details, but I think I was PROBED. What do you think?  
Raiden: (wearing a blank expression): ...  
Colonel: Fine, forget it--but I think I was was probed.  
*Colonel clicks off codec*  
  
Codec Call 6  
Colonel: About that PRObing incident, I'm very concerned. You see, I found this huge chancre on my butt. You don't think the aliENs gave me a STD, like syphilis, do you? Be honest, Raiden. I think I should go to the docTOR. Maybe a proctologist, or perhaps a dermatologist.  
Raiden (looking freaked out): Maybe a psychiatrist!  
*Raiden quickly clicks off codec*  
  
Codec Call 7  
Colonel: Raiden, I have a phobia. I'm aFRAID of my own SHAdow. And if I could just get some help with this--Everywhere I turn it's there. I have this IDEA that my own shadow is always choking me. And he gags me!! And he's-  
Raiden: What?  
Colonel: He always... he creeps around me. ANd when I'm in the BaThRoOm with MySeLf, I'm always in the nice warm tub or something and I put nice cream on MySeLf he's always there looking to choke mE. It's an awful thing.   
Raiden: That's sick!  
Colonel: Maybe for tonight at least you could help me through this misERY. I feel silly. I feel very silly. I'm so sad about this... could you help me.  
Raiden: Would you quit thinking about yourself for just five minutes! I'm out here running around naked and ninja guys are gunning and slicing at me and you're talking about some stupid phobia!  
Colonel (not paying Raiden any attention): He's always gaGGing and Choking me. And it's my own shadow. That's what's so scaRY.  
*Raiden clicks off codec*  
  
Codec Call 8  
Raiden (agitated): What is it now?!?  
Colonel: AAAAAAARGHHHHH!!!! Oh you see! Oh God help us! God help us. Jesus. God and baby Jesus help us! See he always chokes me. AAARRGGH!  
*Colonel clicks off codec*  
  
Raiden: What the hell was that all about?  
*He shakes his head then peeps from behind a metal barrier, seeing the coast is clear he creeps towards the metal stairs to his right.*  
Raiden: I hope I can get out of here alive.  
*Raiden's codec rings.*  
Raiden: I am so not answering that.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Yeah, that was really dumb and a total waste of time. I hope you enjoyed it, I certainly had a lot of fun writing it. I guess I had to get this silliness out of my system. I originally posted part of this on Gamefaqs.com, on a topic called 'The Colonel Game'. There were a lot of funny scenarios others came up with. You should check it out. And that comment about Columbia House goes double for me! 


	2. Colonel's Lifting Advice aka Raiden Gets...

Konami also deleted this particular codec conversation, because they felt that it would portray Raiden as a whining brat. Seeing that MGS2 was Raiden's debut, they wanted him to be shown as positively as possible, considering the gaming public would be playing him instead of Snake. They predicted that this change would cause a large uproar in the MGS fan community; they did not want to pour salt on the wound by making the new character lame. *Coughs*  
  
Living with a Hernia  
  
*Raiden is on the heliport located on the roof of Strut E. He has just taken down the mad bomber, Fatman. Unfortunately there is one bomb remaining; it is the largest of all the bombs Fatman constructed to detonate in the Shells. The bomb going off could undermine all of Raiden's previous disarming efforts. On a hunch, Raiden, exerting much effort, drags the humongous corpse about a yard.*  
  
Raiden (out of breath): This psycho must weigh a ton.  
  
*Calls Colonel on codec*  
  
Raiden (in triumphant voice): Colonel, I have deactivated the final bomb.  
  
Colonel: Excellent, Raiden. Now you can resume the prime objective.  
  
*Rose's image appears the screen*  
  
Rose: Jack, are you okay?  
  
Raiden: Yeah, just a little winded from the battle. A fat guy on roller blades, what a nut job. What did that guy have, a Kevlar head? I must have shot him fifteen times.  
  
Rose (laughing): It was twelve. By the way, Jack. Do you remember what tomorrow is?  
  
Raiden (sighs): Rose, not this again.  
  
Rose: I'm sorry. Well good luck Jack.  
  
Colonel: Would you use his codename? Two syllables: RYE-DEN. Is that so hard, Rosemary?  
  
Rose: No sir. Sorry sir.  
  
*The Colonel clicks off*  
  
As Raiden goes to the stars leading down he feels an intense pain in his abdomen.  
  
Raiden (in pained voice): ARRRGH!  
  
*Codec beeps*  
  
Colonel: Raiden, what's wrong.  
  
Raiden (in overly dramatic tone): I'm suddenly... experiencing... pain in my... abdomen.  
  
*Rose's image replaces the Colonel's*  
  
Rose: According to the biofeedback from your Skull Suit, you've gotten a hernia. Oh, Jack!  
  
Raiden (shocked): A hernia? How did that happen?  
  
*The Colonel's image appears*  
  
Colonel (assuming a matter-of-fact tone): It happened when you lifted Fatman.  
  
Raiden: I didn't lift him; it was more like, uh, dragging him. Plus isn't this suit supposed to supplement my strength.  
  
Colonel: Only slightly. What can you lift?  
  
Raiden (rather proud of himself): On a good day, 250.  
  
Rose (impressed): Wow, Jack.  
  
Colonel: Raiden.  
  
Rose: Oh yes. I'm sorry.  
  
Colonel: The suit only increased you strength approximately twenty percent.  
  
Rose (doing the math in her head): That means with the suit, you should be able to lift about 300 pounds.  
  
*Rose types on a keyboard*  
  
Rose: I'm analyzing a full body shot of Fatman now.  
  
*A moment passes*  
  
Rose: According to this readout Fatman's weight was in the range of 430-470 pounds.   
  
Raiden (incredulously): Four hun'ned and seventy pounds!! You have got to be kidding me.  
  
Rose: And that's not including his blast suit. So add another seventy-five pounds.  
  
Colonel: Raiden, when you lift or drag heavy objects you must always remember to lift from the knees as well. You shouldn't have let your back take the brunt of the burden.  
  
Raiden (exasperated): Yeah, I know. We covered it in VR training.  
  
*Raiden clutches his stomach in pain and feels a knot breaking the smooth line of his abdomen. He sits down on one of the stairs.*  
  
Raiden (gasping in pain): I-I need to take a rest.   
  
Colonel (in stern, authoritative voice): No! Get your ass up and proceed with the mission according to the simulation! 


	3. Special Delivery

A/N: I thought this was out of my system. I'm sorry folks but I couldn't get this idea out of my head. This takes place about six months after MGS2.

[WhAt ThE HELL iS THis] = distorted speech

  


**

Special Delivery

**

*In a nearly empty Pizza Palace a phone rings. A pimply faced cashier picks it up*

Cashier (with pride): Hello, you've reached Pizza Palace, may I help you?

Colonel: Why yes you can, young man. I would like to order a pizza.

*From the cadence and timbre of the customer's voice the cashier can tell that it's an older man. He decides to be extremely polite*

Cashier: What would you like, Sir?

Colonel: First I need to ask, can you divide the toppings on the pizza?

Cashier: Yes, we can.

Colonel (relieved): That's great, because my wife, she absolutely hates my toppings.

Cashier: How would you like it divided?

Colonel: Okay, but before we get to that, I need to know if you carry a particular topping.

Cashier (proud of the business' selection): We have many toppings, Sir.

*Instead of asking what the Colonel was looking for he went through the list*

Cashier: We have pepperoni, sausage, ham, chicken, anchovies, tomatoes, onions, green peppers, black olives, mushrooms...

*The cashier continues for another three minutes*

Cashier: So...

Colonel (sighs): I-I guess you don't have it.

Cashier (indignant): What do you mean we don't have it? We're a cutting edge pizza parlor. What exactly is this topping you're looking for?

Colonel (nostalgic): My mother used to use it all the time. It's from the Old Country, you know.

Cashier: What are you talking about?

Colonel (still reminising): She used to make this dish. It was SO good. SpaGHEtti with garlic bread sticks with marianated PURple stuFFed WORM on the side.

*The cashier scratches the back of his head through the red 'Pizza Palace' baseball cap he's wearing*

Cashier: Sir, I couldn't make out that last part of what you said.

Colonel (coughs): Oh, it must be my cordLESS phone. Didn't get eNOUGH chARge.

Cashier: Would you repeat what you just said Sir?

Colonel: The topping I'm looking for is PURple stuffed worm. It's from the Old country. I used to get it as a topping from Pizza Emporium on 35th, but then it burnt down.

*Though he still doesn't know what the hell purple stuffed worm is, the cashier is determined not be upstaged by his business' rival even though that place burned down.

Cashier (lying like a mofo): Oh yeah, purple stuffed worm. I think I've heard of that. We stopped ordering it because of the lack of demand and it was too costly.

Colonel (in understanding tone of voice): Yes. It is a delicacy. From the Old Country, you know. I guess I'll just get a jumbo with anchovies, mushrooms and black olives on my part and sausage and pepperoni for my wife. 

Cashier (making sure he has the order right): Okay, on your half you have anchovies, mushrooms, and black olives. On your wife's half there's sausage and pepperoni.

Colonel: Close but no CIgar. That's not how I want my pizza divided.

Cashier: Sir, it's just you and your wife. It makes more sense to have it divided in half.

Colonel (in stern authoritative voice): Let me speak to your manager, young man.

Cashier: Okay, okay. How do you want it divided?

Colonel: I would like my half to take up forty percent of the pizza and my wife's half to take up the remaining sixty percent.

Cashier: Sir, what you said did not make any sense.

Colonel (like he's speaking to a mentally challenge individual): I get FORty PERcent. The wife gets sixTY perCENT. Any QUEStions?

Cashier: No, Sir. I've never divided a pizza that way before.

Colonel (in fearful tone): It is impeRAtive that you do it that way, son. My wife, she eats more than I do and she will be livid if it's even a percent off.

Cashier (picking up the tone): I-I don't want to get you in trouble with your wife, Sir, but like I said I never divided a pizza up that way.

Colonel (trying to be helpful): Imagine the pizza pie being a clock. It would be like 6:07.

*The cashier writes these instructions down. He will follow them to the letter because he doesn't want the old man to be abused by his spouse*

Cashier: I think I have it now. You want forty percent to be anchovies, black olives, and mushrooms. Your wife's sixty percent portion has sausage and pepperoni, right?

Colonel: Yes, that's right. Thank you. You're such a nice young man. I know it's been difficult dealing with an old senile Colonel like me.

Cashier: Sir, is this pick-up or delivery?

Colonel: Delivery.

*The Colonel gives the cashier the address*

Colonel: This is the Campbell residence. My son will be home when you drop the pizza off. He's a little strange but he's a _great_ tipper.

*Thirty minutes later a pizza delivery car pulls in front of a nice house in a middle-class neighborhood. The cashier now known as the Pizza Guy goes to the front steps and rings the doorbell*

Pizza Guy: No one's ever gotten a free pizza because I was late.

~Actually he sped to get to the house because he figured the Colonel's old lady was liable to snap off at anytime. He didn't want the old man's blood to be on his hands~

*The pizza guy hears muffled voices*

* A VERY pregnant Rosemary is sitting on the couch watching television*

Rosemary: JACK! Could you get the door?

*Raiden comes running out of the kitchen where he was starting to prepare lunch*

Rosemary: I'm sorry, hon. I would've gotten it, but you know...

*She waves a hand presenting her large belly*

Raiden: I wonder who it is we aren't expecting anyone, are we?

*Rosemary shakes her head. Her eyes are wide*

*The doorbell rings again*

*Raiden pulls a key out of his jeans pocket and goes to a lamp table, unlocks it and pulls out a handgun*

Raiden (thinking): I wonder if those Patriot bastards are after us? I won't let them harm my family.

*Raiden approaches the front door*

Raiden: Who is it?

Pizza guy: Pizza delivery!

Raiden (thinking): Like I'm gonna fall for that crap.

*He looks through the peephole and sees what appears to be a young pizza delivery guy. The 'Pizza Guy' is wearing a red white and blue uniform with 'Pizza Palace' silkscreened on the upper right side of his windbreaker*

*Raiden turns to Rose*

Raiden: Pizza Palace? Have you heard of it.

Rosemary: Yeah, it's that little place near that bookstore.

Raiden (thinking): And how many pizza places does that describe?

*He looks in the peephole again and takes in the lanky, pimply form of the Pizza Guy*

Raiden: (thinking): He doesn't look like a trained assassin. But that could be the whole point. God, I bet Snake would laugh his ass off if he found out I got waxed by some pasty 'pizza guy'. No, he would just be really pissed off. It's not just my life at stake but also Olga's child. The guys still haven't found any conclusive leads. 

Raiden: I didn't order any pizza.

Pizza Guy: I know. Your father did. He told me you would be at home to get the pizza.

Raiden: My father?

Pizza Guy: Yeah, the old Colonel. Colonel Campbell.

*Raiden turns to look at Rosemary*

Raiden (softly): What the hell?

Pizza Guy: The pizza's getting cold.

*Raiden decides to open the door and holds his gun behind his back*

Raiden: I didn't order a pizza. My father didn't order a pizza either, you want to know why? Because he's dead.

*The pizza guy thinks back to what the old Colonel said about his son. "He's strange."*

Pizza Guy: Your father warned me about this. Now quit playing around because your mother won't be happy when she doesn't have her pizza.

*Raiden looks seriously confused*

Raiden: I'm serious. I didn't order a pizza!

Pizza Guy (exasperated): Look, cut it out. Do you want your father to get beat up?

Raiden (trying to be reasonable): No, but I didn't order a pizza. (realizing what probably happened) I think that someone who doesn't like me much made a prank call.

Pizza Guy (getting pissed off): Look guy, it took me long enough to even MAKE this pizza. Your father ordered it and he's going to get it. Now quit bullshitting and pay for the pizza.

*Rosemary is getting concerned about the situation and decides to do something about it*

Rosemary: Honey, would you just give the man the money so he can be on his way?

Raiden (grumbles): How much is it?

Pizza Guy: $17.60.

*Raiden sticks the gun in the back of his pants and pulls out his wallet. He gets out a ten, a five, and three singles. He hands them to the man who in turn gives Raiden the pizza*

Raiden: Keep the change.

*The Pizza Guy counts the money and sees it's only $18* 

Pizza Guy (thinking back to what the Colonel said): Where's my tip?

*Raiden reaches the end of his patience and pulls the gun from behind his back*

Raiden (gesturing with the gun): Get the hell out of here! There's your tip!

*The Pizza Guy high tails it out of there*

Pizza Guy (thinking): Crazy bastard. He must get it from his mother. That poor old Colonel, surrounded by all those nuts! I hope you make it, Sir.

*Raiden slams the door and shakes his head*

Rosemary: What was that all about, Jack.

Raiden: That AI Colonel... well apparently he's still floating out there in cyberspace or whatever. He's the one that ordered this pizza.

*Rosemary puts her head in her hands*

Rosemary (almost in tears): I'm so tired of our lives sounding like some strange sci-fi movie that they would show on _Svengoolie_!

*Raiden lays the pizza on the coffee table and comes behind the couch and kisses the top of her blonde head*

Raiden: I am too, Rose. I am too.

Rosemary (while sniffling): What kind of pizza is it anyway?

Raiden: I don't know, let me check.

*He goes over to the coffee table in front of Rosemary and lifts the top of the box. A vaguely fishy smell wafts up to his nose*

Raiden: It looks like sausage and pepperoni on one part, and anchovies, black olives and mushrooms on the other.

Rosemary: Oooh anchovies! I've been craving those sooo bad. Give me a slice.

Raiden: How do we know this isn't poisoned? I'm going to have to taste-test it first.

*Rosemary gives him a stern look*

Rosemary (in an imperious tone): Quit bullshitting and give me a slice of that pizza.

Raiden: Yes dear.

*Rosemary laughs and Raiden joins her*

Raiden: At least I didn't have to make lunch.


End file.
